Parents and Carers

Research shows that young people want trusted adults to talk to about difficult issues.

Also, there is evidence that certain topics should be talked about before children have access to smartphones

or social media, to best prepare them for navigating the online world.

“So many young people we’ve spoken to want their parents to be open to this. We know it is difficult and we all worry about messing it up! The good news is that we DON’T have to be experts. We mostly just need to be that loving, caring, listening parent or carer that we already are. “

Hannah Keal

Publicity and Development, Respected and parent

“As a GP and parent of now grown up children, I have lots of experience talking to young people about relationships and sex. I understand how daunting this can be! We hope these few tips give you the confidence to start talking to your child about this really important area of their lives.”

Dr Louise Parkin

CEO and GP, Respected

Beforehand

Decide on one thing to talk about (see list below for possible topics). Don’t try to cover too much at once or make the conversation too long. Multiple short conversations on different days are a good plan.
Decide on a time and place that is comfortable for both, where you won’t be interrupted. Side by side on a walk, in a stationary car or on a sofa can be less confrontational and more collaborative. Chatting while you’re doing an activity together or doing different activities in the same room eg cooking dinner/doing ironing – while they’re doing homework.
Think of a relevant ‘excuse’ to introduce the topic e.g. Respected being used in their school, TV show, social media post, Youtube video, news article or just a story from someone else
Be prepared. Consider your own views (and if relevant, your partner’s views) – how does this topic make you feel? Talk to your partner or a trusted friend and if necessary, get some help for yourself beforehand. Let them know you’re planning the conversation, so you can unpack emotions with them afterwards (see below). They can also make sure that you don’t duck out of having the conversation!
Do your research (see suggested resources below)

During

Try to use a tone of voice that is reassuring and encouraging as possible. You are aiming for guidance and encouragement without talking down to them.

Acknowledge the awkwardness and make it as light as possible.

Ask their thoughts and views, only one question at a time and as open as possible.

LISTEN! Use silence for thinking time.

Be vulnerable, prioritise honesty and ask hard questions if necessary.

Use correct names for body parts if you can (use the resources for puberty below to help). This avoids confusion between the two of you.

Remain as calm as possible and ‘self regulate’ (breathe deeply and try to keep any strong emotions to yourself for now), particularly if they disclose something new.

Problem-solve together and mutually agree what needs to happen next, if needed.

Having a natural ‘end’ to the conversation might be helpful e.g. taking them to an after school club.

This also allows you both time away from each other to decompress and process what’s been said.

Try not to…

Have too many expectations of yourself or your child
Be judgemental
Ask questions that are too personal or intrusive
Fix a problem yourself
Talk about too many topics at once. If the conversation starts to go into other areas that you didn’t prepare for, which may need to do more research, gently end the talk for now. However, say you will talk about it at another time, soon.

Afterwards

Congratulate yourself, even if it didn’t go exactly as you’d planned – you’ve done a really brave and positive thing.
Give your child space to process their emotions. It might be helpful for them to have an absorbing activity to do afterwards: physical exercise is always a good idea.
Acknowledge your emotions and preferably talk it through with your partner or trusted friend.
Make a note to come back to the conversation again if necessary at a later date.

Signposting and References

Signposting – places to go after the talk, if needed:

The Survivors Trust : an umbrella agency which gives details about help, support, advice and therapy for anybody who is experiencing or has experienced intimate partner abuse, including control/coercion. Will direct to local services.

CEOP : to report online abuse/abusive relationships.

Childline : for information, advice and support for your child on our Student Help page

References

If you are worried or have concerns about your child in this area, you can call:

The Police: dial 999 if you feel your child or someone you know is in immediate danger or 101 if you need to report something that isn’t an emergency

NSPCC helpline on 0800 800 5000 or email help@nspcc.org.uk